Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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