I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
