I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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