Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
