I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
