He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
