so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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