I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
