god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
