Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
