3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
if you like me you must not know who I am
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Randomize
