don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
