Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
