Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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