i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
