He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
