Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
