I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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