I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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