So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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