There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
