if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
