Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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