I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
