I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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