thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
