i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
