Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
