just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
