you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
