Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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