my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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