yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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