is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
