I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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