You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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