the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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