We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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