My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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