He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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