OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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