Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
