Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
