then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
