What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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