Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
