It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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