Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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