3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
