i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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