I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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