She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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