I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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