I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The air was thick with penises
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
